Sep
28

Hey Roy, would it kill ya to smile once in a while?

Roy Halladay joylessly throwing ANOTHER strike (Getty)

Roy Halladay won 20 games this year. Roy Halladay has the inside track to the NL Cy Young Award. Roy Halladay is generally considered the best pitcher in baseball. Roy Halladay is going to the postseason for the first time in his career. Roy Halladay very well could win a championship this year. Roy Halladay is great, plain and simple. And one more thing.

Roy Halladay is boring.

It is astonishing to watch Doc Halladay at work. He is so good, so consistent, so old-school, you’d think his pitching days would be celebrated like they do in Seattle for their man. Felix Hernandez has Felix Day every day he pitches, and the fans adore him, flock to the stadium to see him throw. Halladay performs in front of sell-out crowds, but that has a lot to do with his team being the best in the Senior Circuit, no so much his drawing power. No, every time I watch Halladay work, he makes it seem like work. Other aces and award winners go to work, sure. CC Sabathia sweats gallons every time it’s his turn. Albert Pujols puts in time watching tape and in the cage, then empties his chamber every at-bat. But at least they make it fun to watch. In a game that is just that, a game, Roy Halladay seems to suck the fun out of the whole event.

When he was working on that perfect game earlier this season, I tuned in somewhere around the 5^th inning. Already it had a sense, for me at least, of eventuality. He was throwing a perfect game that night, and there was nothing the Marlins or anyone could do about it. Sure, the umpire was giving Doc the corner and anything within about 8 inches, way more than a surgeon of his caliber needs. But usually perfet games, and others have written on this, usually they have a sense of intensity, like something could happen at any time. Not so with this one. He walked out, threw a couple pitches, the Marlins looked lost, and Roy made history. Simple, clean, painless. And like I said, boring.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have Halladay on the Indians. He is just amazing, throwing complete games like its nothing, his workman like demeanor taking pressure off his bullpen and defense. But that’s part of it too; I don’t want to watch a blue-collar factory worker put together cars or anything. Roy makes it look too easy, and he never seems to smile. When he threw that perfecto, it was actually disturbing to see him smile. His arsenal is deadly, with the ability to throw at 93 and move the ball seemingly any direction he wants. But that too is boring. Adam Wainright has his sledgehammer curveball, CC is a meatball, David Price tickles 100 sometimes. Wakefield throws the knuckler. But save for a curveball that goes about 85 anyway, Halladay hovers between 91 and 93. Amazing in his consistency, but there’s no surprise for the viewer. It’s hard to tell what he threw, and the batter misses. Halladay’s delivery is even old-man like. Hunched over, he peers into the catcher like a geezer thinking about chasing kids off his lawn. Then he throws with a compact, measured motion that lands him in the same three footprints on the mound, every time. The grounds crew doesn’t even have to groom the mound after he pitches, except for those three places.

He’ll be in the postseason this year for the first time, going 9 innings against the lowly Nationals, allowing 2 hits and K’ing 6, no runs, to clinch a berth. A sparkling performance, I’m sure. And as a fan I’m excited to see how he does in the playoffs. But unless he’s a different person in October and nobody’s seen it yet, you might as well pencil the Phillies in for a win and go watch The Office. Baseball is a spectacle first and a job second. Maybe Jose Conseco, in his infinite wisdom, had it right. He’s not a player, he’s a performer. Halladay’s joylessness (I’m sure he enjoys it, but it doesn’t show) takes a lot away from the game. He replaced Cliff Lee as the ace of the Phillies, and they are two sides of the same coin in terms of style. Lee seems like he’s happy-go-lucky and pounds the zone. Halladay the opposite, like a J.D. Drew of pitching, except he tries every day. He did tell a local Philly newspaper it’s going to get “funner”, but he also said he’d had fun all season, and he still made me want to take a nap.

He’s the best pitcher in the league, eyeing more hardware for his mantle and a ring. He’s been downright dirty his last three seasons, and is having the best year of his career. But the Doc should write himself a prescription for relax-a-mophin, or a chill pill as it’s colloquially known. For his own sake, if not for all of baseball. Everyone already hates the Phillies, does he have to make them boring to watch too?